Is it wrong that, as I have worked on  this blog, I have come to the conclusion that the list of skills for a successful marriage are more akin to those in a job description?

Having recently celebrated our jade wedding anniversary (35 years), I have had time to reflect on how two people so completely different are still together after all these years. That does not mean to say it has been an easy ride, far from it.

It also made me realise that some of the very same skills and behaviours that make a successful long term personal relationship are very often those that you need in the work place or vice versa.

Compromise 

You will come across many an occasion where compromise is needed. It could be because you and your partner have different tastes or priorities; or because you have had to tighten your belts and your smaller budget restricts choices.

In the early days I found compromise easier when it was forced (can’t afford to go abroad, let’s go to to the west country instead) as appose to me volunteering to make a personal concession. Looking back, I could have been just a tad selfish…. “ahem – and still are!” I can hear my better half call out as he reads this. 

Deciding what film to watch  Do you remember Lovefilm (DVDs by post)? Each week we would spend ages discussing films and knocking down each others’ suggestions as to what to order. Eventually we agreed that we would take it in turns in choosing the film to watch, which worked really well.  We learnt to appreciate the others’ taste and on quite a few occasions would be pleasantly surprised with a film I had pre-judged as going to be boring (based on my own biases) ended up most enjoyable.

Refurbishing the home, there have been many occasions where I have had to compromise rather than go for what I really would have really liked to do, especially in more recent years as my parents live with us.  With a total of 5 adults in the household, there has to be compromise, in particular on how shared space is used – the kitchen is the biggest challenge for me and I will freely admit to frequently grumbling under my breath.

Project management

Fifteen years plus into home refurbishment, the following skills have been developed:

• Planning and adapting plans (learning to be agile) – old building, long story
• Prioritisation
• Budgeting
• Risk management
• Delegating 
• Compromising
• Lessons learnt (oh yes, a lot of those)

Negotiation 

From deciding what to eat Saturday night or where to go on holiday to whether it’s OK for me to work away from home.

Taking into account and respecting each others’ opinion, working through the benefits and draw backs, ensuring there is give and take and agreeing the way forward.

You are looking for a win-win outcome here not “I won”.

I think we have have become an excellent team, though it does have its moments – who wins the toilet seat argument?

Resilience and compassion

Marriage is a long, at times bumpy, ride. Life’s challenges have to be overcome as a team, not faced alone. We have shared pitfalls such as uncovering yet more work on the house that needs doing and the more challenging life events of losing a friend, redundancy, miscarriages, caring for elderly parents, bereavement and other crap.

You work it through together, listening to each others’ needs, laughing, crying, supporting but never giving up.

Keep communicating, you come out stronger than ever and , if you are as lucky as us, always with a smile.

“When life throws you s*&%, get a shovel and throw it back” is my own, often needed, motto.

Welcoming differences

This is more of an attitude than a skill but vital none the less.

I cannot emphasis enough that being different is a strength – having differing views and ideas leads to unexpected creativity and solutions to problems. It also challenges ones’ own beliefs, values and biases.

Being the more creative one, allowing me free rein to come up with mad cap ideas has been particularly important to me and has come into its own when  money has been tight. A cheap alternative to a holiday one year was a day trip to France in our kitchen – I jest not. We printed and hung up a poster of the Eiffel Tower, had french themed food and drink, made french flag bunting, listened to a play list of french music, played roulette with cheap but fun lucky dip type prizes and even did small bets on the horses, listening to Chantilly races live (always gamble responsibly).

In allowing each other to be true to yourselves, and championing each other, you can each be fulfilled and less likely to hold resentment.

Having fun

No matter how busy you are, how broke you are, make time for bit of fun and have a laugh. It can be something as simple as getting a board game or gaming console out, going to play adventure golf or being taken to the church in a wheelbarrow (chosen mode of transport for Silver Wedding).

What is that saying, those that laugh together stay together?

Oh, and loving each other to pieces probably has something to do with it